I knew I would be remarkably busy when I left for this trip, I guess I just didn’t really figure out how busy until I actually got here. For the last month (and it feels weird knowing that I’ve been gone that long already) all I have done is non-entertainment oriented things. I’ve read and written things I can never share, and a good eight hours a night, every single night, is devoted solely to putting words on paper. I wish I could say that all those words are things I get credit for or that I’m building a fan-base for my eventual move into the world of being a real author, but that’s not the case at all. I know that an alarmingly large amount of people are exposed to everything I write, but none of it is fun. You want to know the best part, though?
I’m not even any good at it.
This is a kind of writing I’ve never done before and one that I think I will struggle to master for the remainder of this really long trip. But I think it’s helping me to focus my writing in a way I would have never imagined. It’s a little bit of a strong description to say that I hate it, because I don’t. Not really. I struggle with it in a Peter Parker kind of way, where I’m not the best suited for the task and I mess up a lot, but I’m trying my best to do everything I can. I wish I had time to write for fun and work on any number of the projects that used to live in my brain. I say used to live in my brain because there’s not a whole lot of outside stuff going on in there these days. Maybe as I adjust to things here, I’ll be able to settle into a schedule where I can do something other than what I do all day, but still. I’m burnt out and exhausted and I’ve barely scratched the surface on this.
The other really interesting thing about where I’m at is how frequently I see so many other people getting it wrong. I see other people’s words on the page and I know that they lie, but I can’t prove it. It’s a matter of who has the better words, a battle which I don’t even know if I’m winning. I don’t feel like a very good writer most of the time, in fact my horror critique partners back at SHU definitely were of such a high caliber that I often felt like a wannabe hack writer.
Oddly, that’s kind of how I feel about my writing now. I have a different audience for my stories and I rarely have the ability to write out the ones that could be fun. And I’m getting much worse at remembering things. My brain is far too full.
I think I might have rambled on enough for now. I’m learning a lot more about writing styles and addressing the proper target audience for any works in progress. I’m also relearning how to not get any sleep at all. It’s a fun game 🙂