An Honest Assessment

I’ve seen a lot of the people in my facebook news feed these days posting the results of which fictional character they are and it really got me thinking about the way we all view ourselves and potentially those around us.

We all have fictional characters that we admire. Maybe you want to kick butt while coming up with amusing puns or be the scientific genius that saves the day with just the power of their brain. Maybe you wish you were the hero or maybe you wish that you were the villain. I think it’s safe to say that we all have people that we wish we could emulate.

If someone ever asks you who you are, most people who I know would automatically start with their names or potentially even their occupations.

I am not my name.

And I am not my job.

I have used so many variations of my name throughout the years that it doesn’t really matter to me how people identify me in their own thoughts. As long as I can tell that I am the one being addressed or spoken with or however that works, I don’t usually feel the need to attempt to change someone else’s internal perspective of me. I also have one of those remarkably generic names that is difficult for most people I interact with to pronounce incorrectly. And if I travel and they struggle with my name, then I will find a new variation that is easy enough for others to communicate.

While my current occupation is very much a lifestyle and not really a job, I am not my job. There are a lot of things about my occupation that I take very seriously and there are a lot of aspects in my occupation that create complicated circumstances in my life, but when my occupation decides it is time for us to part ways, the job will still remain and just be accomplished by other people. It’s just the nature of things. I have reached a point in my occupation where it’s slightly unhealthy for me to only have an identity related or associated with my job. I have to have a real life and a positive sense of my own identity before I part ways with my current occupation, whenever that might happen.

Which brings me to my thoughts for today.

If someone asked me who I am, I think that I would respond with an assessment of myself. I would probably respond slightly differently, depending on how well I knew the person asking or what information I thought they were asking for. But I suspect my honest assessment would look something like this:

I am a creative and very generous person who will often give of myself before ever asking for anything from others. I am self-sufficient, resourceful, and resilient. I have the ability to withstand or bounce back from most of the things that get thrown at me. Unfortunately, I usually don’t react well in the initial onslaught of things that go wrong in my life which sometimes means that I might make things a lot worse before working to make things better. I am thoughtful and caring and I have a really big heart that loves a huge amount. I see beauty in the sunrises and the sunsets, but I also find beauty and joy in the storms. I like to play in the snow and make snow angels because I like thinking that maybe someone out there needed to see something random and beautiful.

I am a writer, which means that I mostly see the world through my words. I think it would be safe to say that I am an artist on a variety of levels. I write, I draw, I color, I actively play with my Legos, and I like to make things. I have the tendency to be rather unstable at times, but I secretly think and wish that I could have a quiet and simple life where I don’t talk nearly as much. I feel as though a lot of my instability would dissipate or become manageable if I could focus my energy on love instead of insecurity. I continue to strive for a life of dreams, where I share a cabin in the mountains with someone I love and a variety of kitties. I want to spend my days reading, writing, hiking, and just enjoying a simple life where maybe I have a menial day job and I can go home from work every day, share a meal with someone I love after they get home from their day job, and then cuddle up on the couch with a book and a cup of tea or hot chocolate. I just keep thinking that if I could just be quiet and hold the person that I love that things would be okay. I am also a very imaginative and devoted love. I get great pleasure out of massaging sore muscles or drawing random pictures on backs. In this way, I would say I’m a dreamer and an idealist.

I am absolutely loyal to those in my life and will always do whatever I can to help the people I care the most about. I am generous with my finances and I often believe that people would be able to follow their dreams and fill their lives with love if they didn’t have to worry so much about working so hard to be financially stable enough to make ends meet.

I am also stubborn and thick-headed and I’m not very good at listening to what people say, especially if they’re ever trying to say something amazing about me. I’ve believed the worst about myself for so long that it’s been really hard for me to think or believe that other people might find value in me. Part of the point and the process for me these days is that I believe in my own value and that I see myself as the wonderful, spectacular, amazing, talented, loyal, caring, generous, beautiful, creative, and grateful woman that I am. Because I really am all of those things. I’m also so much more than those things.

I have my faults because I am human. But if you ask me who I am, I will tell you that I am awesome and beautiful and I won’t give up on you once I’ve given you my heart and my loyalty. I will tell you that you would be remarkably lucky to have me as a friend and that I’m a very devoted (and imaginative) love. I would say that you’ll never meet someone like me again and in this day and age, finding someone willing to fight and work for you is rare, no matter if that capacity is as a friend or as a partner.

I am just me.

But me is really awesome 🙂

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About C.A. Jacobs

Just another crazy person, masquerading as a writer.
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