Character Flaw of the Day: My Heart is a Total Loser

For those of you who have never met me in person, I am a very kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, and big-hearted person. I am also mostly incapable of disguising my emotions at any given time, which makes my life a little more complicated than I’d like because I feel things very strongly and it’s very obvious to everyone what I’m feeling.

My heart’s been through a lot this last year. I never knew things could hurt this much.

But I also never really knew what love is until the events of this past year. If all that hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be where I am right now.

I see the beauty in all the small things around me. I ride my motorcycle through gentle showers of orange and golden leaves. I witness the sunrises and sunsets with incomparable pinks and purples. I feel the warmth spread through my hands as I hold my ginormous cup of hot tea, inhaling the sweet scent of pomegranate. I stroll through the forest, the breeze gently stirring the leaves as the birds chirp their songs. I listen to taps every night before bed and think of all those who have gone before.

I spent so many days, nights, even weeks crying on the floor or in the corner. Things hurt so very, very much. Through the tears and all the pain, I kept asking why. I begged for another chance, that if there was some higher power listening to let me fix things because I knew I could if I would just be given the chance to try. There were two times when I was granted the exact situation which I requested and they both backfired and blew up in my face.

I learned to stop asking for things.

Instead, I learned how to shut of my lying brain and listen to what my heart wanted me to say. Every time I wanted to ask why or ask for another chance to say what I feel, instead I said “Thank You.”

Thank you for going with me to the hospital.

Thank you for going camping with me.

Thank you for teaching me so much about life.

Thank you for being there for me when I felt so alone and broken.

Thank you for believing in me when no one else did, not even me.

Thank you for laughing at me.

Thank you for sharing books and movies and music with me.

Thank you for giving me eyes to see such beauty.

Thank you for being you and for allowing me to be even a small part of your life.

I spread my gratitude and my thanks to all those who come near me. I try and help as best as I can, where and when I can. Things got a lot better. While the pain in my heart never went away, I’ve gotten more used to it. Just like I will always have cybernetic parts in me, I know that this pain is now part of me. But it will not run my life.

Next week at work, I need some stuff that I loaned out to someone who was a very good friend. I figured, no big deal, it’s work, and I need that stuff back.

I sent a text and basically said, “Hey, this is me. Do you have this thing?”

The basic response I received said, “No,” but used more words than that.

I replied, “Okay. Thanks for checking. If you randomly find it buried at some point in your stuff, it’d be nice to get back.”

But what my heart really wanted to say was something more along the lines of, “I don’t know why I sound like a total bitch. I miss you. Want to see a movie or get tea or frozen yogurt or something?”

Even this hugely tiny discussion about something work-related was enough to make my heart ache more because I miss you and you’re not here.

I will always miss you and care about you.

But at the same time, I have to respect other people’s wishes. I was told, as I am always told or shown, that I am too intense and too focused; that things are better and happier without me. And that if I am truly respectful of those I care about, that I will respect their desires and what they believe is best for their life. As I will always give of myself before taking from others, I will walk away because that’s what’s best for you. I don’t really believe that’s what’s best for me, but I am resilient and a fairly decent human being. I’ll be okay. I always am.

And I will be thankful for everyone and everything that I do have in my life.

I will experience life to the fullest extent possible.

I will live and I will teach.

I will be a positive impact to those around me and to random strangers I meet along my journey.

And I will always love and miss you.

Thank you for sharing at least a tiny portion of your life with me.

Thank you for being you.

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About C.A. Jacobs

Just another crazy person, masquerading as a writer.
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