Ebb and Flow

ebb_and_flow

I don’t often do very many personal posts, but ever since I returned from my most recent travels and things in my life have not changed (I honestly didn’t expect them to, but hope is kind of my motivating factor in just about everything in my life).

This goes something along the lines of a letter I’ve been thinking about writing to a friend whose life I am no longer a part of. It’s a letter that will never be truly written or sent and a letter that would likely be burned, unopened, upon receipt. I may very much want to write that letter and to send it with all the contents of my heart, but the truth is that I don’t have the right to force someone else to receive it, nor do I have the right to force my words into someone else’s face. If someone wants to read my words, that’s one thing. If someone doesn’t want to read my words, I haven’t the right to force them to, no matter how much better it might make things.

To you, the friend I miss,

I hope that your life is filled with laughter, joy, happiness, friendship, amusement, and love. I hope that you’re getting everything you want out of life and that you are surrounded by everything you need. I freely acknowledge that I wasn’t in the best place when we were friends and there were probably multiple times when you attempted to discuss things with me and I just didn’t listen. I bottled everything up and took it out on you and that wasn’t what I should have done.

You changed absolutely everything about my entire life. Everything. You changed how I view myself, you forced me to get the help I needed and even though it took a year and a half to finish my treatment, it worked. One of the last discussions I had with the behavioral health specialist was somewhere along the lines of how I was knocked flat on my face and kept getting kicked to stay down, but once I rebuilt and rebuild correctly, nothing can ever bring me down like that again.

You showed me so many new things, including abstractly introducing me to Asexuality. You made one, tiny, off-hand comment in passing about us being the most asexual people on the planet and because of that comment, I did research and found an entire community of other asexual people. I’m not alone and I know that I’m not broken. I know there are other people like me who fall on the asexual spectrum and that lifted a huge burden from me that I didn’t know I was carrying.

You introduced me to so many new books, increasing my diversity as a reader and as a writer. Books by different authors from different places. New stories with completely different concepts. You introduced me to the Green Lantern series, which has had a huge impact on my life today. I’ve been rereading all the Green Lantern comic books starting from the 1990s and there were a lot of really good characters, storylines, and underlying morals to those comics. The Green Lantern stuff also introduced me to the Blue Lantern Corps, which is fueled by hope. For the longest time, I said that I’d survived most of my life on sheer willpower alone, but now, more than anything, I am fueled by hope. Because there is very little more powerful than willpower supported by hope. And I wouldn’t have any of this background right now if it weren’t for you introducing me to new books, movies, and music.

I messed up. Though I can’t speak for your feelings, I can say it’s likely that what happened between us hurt us both. You asked me for time and space and I didn’t understand. There were a lot of mistakes. I owned up to mine and learned a lot. I  wouldn’t be who I am today if everything hadn’t happened the way it did. And I am thankful for all that I have right now.

I have an apartment filled with books and Legos and it makes me happy to live here. I can walk to the library, the grocery store, the nearby department store. I bought a couch and you were there the day it arrived and I was so happy to finally have purchased my own real furniture. You were the one who taught me how to cook eggs because you looked it up on the internet. You introduced me to tea and now I’m a huge tea drinker.

You changed absolutely everything about my entire life and I can’t thank you enough for that. Seriously, thank you. If you ever need anything, no matter where you’re at in life, no matter what you need, just ask. I’ll help you however I can and I’ll always be there for you. I know we’re walking separate paths right now and I think time apart has been beneficial for both of us. I know I didn’t respect you or your wishes and I apologize for how I treated you when I wasn’t okay. If I had only one request, or one hope, it would be that you’d be willing to give our friendship another try someday. Whenever you’re ready and on your terms.

I understand now that you get used to the ebb and flow of people in your life after a while. The two important parts to know is that there will always be someone around for you – it just may not be who you would wish, or who you would think. And you have to be okay on your own when the tide flows out because people come and go, like waves on the tide. Sometimes, they’re there and you interact. And sometimes they’re gone and you miss them and you hope good things for them, but you can’t drag them back, even if you wanted to or had the right to.

I miss you, but I hope only good things for you and that someday, you’ll be willing to give our friendship another chance. Regardless of anything else, you changed everything about my life. Thank you for everything. You’re amazing.

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About C.A. Jacobs

Just another crazy person, masquerading as a writer.
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