loveiseldritch:

Supervillain Advice 201

Steal a garbage truck. Decorate it with your colors and sinister messages. Have a henchman drive it to the hero’s headquarters and run away. They’ll spend hours looking for a secret trap or surprise. Use the time to commit your robbery.

Give yourself a deliberately misleading name.

Example: “We’ve come prepared, Lightning Man! Our suits are completely non-conductive!”

“Do they insulate against heat too?”

“Um, no. I don’t think so.”

“Great. Enjoy a taste of my LAVA GUN!”

Prominently carry a large remote detonator with “self destruct” written on it and a large red button. It’s not wired to any explosives. Anyone who presses it gets tazed with 20,000 volts

When fighting make sure to mention your “secret volcano lair in Hawaii” which doesn’t exist. Rent an old warehouse under the name Hue Norman.

Dress all of your henchmen in outfits identical to yours. Make them all practice their maniacal laughs with you.

If you’re besieged and need more time, start demanding insane and impossible things. Refuse to compromise.

“He wants a penguin dressed like Batman, a bathtub full of cottage cheese, and 4,371 bouncy balls. No I don’t know why but if we don’t round it up in 6 hours he’s going to blow the building.”

When the sanctity of your lair is violated make sure a large clock starts loudly counting backwards from 2:00 minutes. It’s not wired to anything or set to explode, you just need some time to escape.

If you discover a hero’s secret identity, do will not attack them at home. Find their boss and bribe them to overwork and stress out the hero so they have less time and energy to oppose you.

On the day of a big heist, send a henchman downtown and have him pour out bags of $1 bills from the top of a skyscraper. The chaos will help keep heroes and the police busy.

Put a button on your weapon marked “safety”. Activating it causes the weapon to explode.

Donate money to random charities using your villain name. It will confuse the hell out of anyone trying to profile you.

“He donated to an adoption agency, a big cat rescue center, and an insurance provider for magicians. Is she…is she the secret daughter of Siegfried and Roy?