Humans are Space Orcs

(Ok, yeah, I’m so getting in on this.)

I had been briefed that pack-bonding with humans they would be working with would be essential to any mission with them, and that it was relatively easy if one came bearing gifts. The Hotri matriarch who had been assisting him with his preparations had given him a tip that one of the humans he would be paired with excercised at the nature trails near the launch field at a regular time in the morning.

Sure enough, I arrived at the location and found a lone human running along the path showing signs of exertion. He slowed to a stop near me, intaking more atmosphere than I thought a creature of that size would be physically capable of processing. I lifted my crest in a display of friendly excitement.

“Greeting, human co-worker! I am Va’a’an, I look forward to serving with you!”

The human did not speak, instead bending double and showing intensifying signs of distress. I was very concerned. “Human? Do you require medical assistance?”

“Nah nah… oh god… whew!” The human checked his chronometer. “Haa… sub-fifteen… getting better. Hi there. Whooo… I’m good I swear.”

“You do not seem ‘good,’ human co-worker.”

“Good as I can be for running five kilometers. Gimmie a minute… M’name’s Craig… nice t’meet ya.”

“Greetings, human-Craig! As I said, my na-“ I stopped as my second brain finished with the math needed to convert kilometers and minutes into something understandable. “That is very far. I am now certain you need medical attention.”

“Nah!” Human-Craig straightened up. “I’m just outta shape. Nice to meet you, Van.”

“I must insist. Any creature running half the distance you just did would be at risk of expiring from exhaustion.”

“Bro, chill. Five K is basic conditioning for human athletes.”

“Running such extreme distance is a sport?”

“Literally the oldest. We call it a marathon. Forty-two kilometers.”


Human-Craig nodded, stretching his limbs, a behavior that at least made some biomechanical sense. “Yep. Current Earth-gravity record is just under two hours.”

I stayed silent, considering the evolution that would be required to perform such a feat. I knew humans evolved as pursuit predators but what insane creatures were they chasing?!

But human-Craig felt the silence was awkward and appended more information. “Yeah. First marathon was by some Greek to announce the victory of some war in ancient times. Ran the whole way, shouted ‘we won’ and died.”

“So you made a sport of it.”

“Uh huh.”

“The horror.”

“See, Van, we’re gonna get on great.”

About C.A. Jacobs

Just another crazy person, masquerading as a writer.
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