Bad: aliens that insist upon referring to human women as “feeeeemales”.

Good: aliens that insist upon dividing humans into binary categories, but the binary in question is based on something we’d regard as trivial and bizarre.

pro cilantro and anti cilantro

Just to screw with us they refer to have designated half the population as “edible” and the other half is “inedible.”

No intention of eating anyone, they just like how uncomfortable it makes everyone.

Even better: the aliens all agree on who is edible and who is inedible, but the humans have no idea what the criteria is

Even better: there is no criteria, the Aliens just keep a running list of whenever one member designated a human as edible or not. People are baffled because the selection appears random yet all the aliens are up to date, so there must be SOMETHJNG

I love this because it implies the aliens possess either (1) a universal hive mind or (2) an intergalactic group chat dedicated to fucking with humanity 

“Hey guys Steve Johnson just laughed at my antennae he’s edible ok?”

“Yum yum Steve ribs”

cool cool cool but some people – definitely the younger generations – would for sure take offense if they weren’t deemed edible

like ‘you wanna eat steve but not me? what the fuck did I do’

are you trying to tell me i’m not a snack?

A small number of humans, around 50-100, are randomly selected each year to have their classification switched.

“I have been tasked with informing you that you are now edible.”

“But why?”

“Given humans’ interest in your edibility, we have found it polite to inform you when your status changes.”

“I mean, why am I now edible?”

“I don’t understand.”

“What’s different about me now that makes me edible?”

“The difference is that you were inedible and now you are edible.”

About C.A. Jacobs

Just another crazy person, masquerading as a writer.
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