Growing up a tomboy or a gender nonconforming little girl is such a tough and painful experience. Knowing that you’re “breaking your mother’s heart” by not being the perfect little doll that she can dress up and show off like an ornament. From a young age, little girls know their lot in life: to be a beautiful wife and/or mother. To be a tomboy meant that you see the mold prepared for you and to rebel against that. It’s only cute for a while, however, and soon enough that rambunctious little girl turns into an unruly little bitch that needs to know her place. Idk the exact moment when I was broken, to be honest, but I know it happened. Even today whenever I’m wearing a skin tight dress and a face full of makeup it all still feels like a costume. Shoutout to all the butch and GNC women who fought hard to be themselves. I often wonder what sort of woman I would’ve been if I’d been left to my own devices

Between age 7 and grade 8 I refused to wear a dress

In 8th grade my mom forced me to shave my legs for the first time

In 9th grade she made me stop wearing baggy clothes

10th grade she sat me down and popped all of the pimples on my face and covered them up with foundation

11th grade my father threatened to kick me out of the house because I was stubborn

12th grade my mother made me take a date to prom, who convinced me to to date him and ended up being an absolute horror story and tried to force me to drop out of college

I’m starting my fourth year of college now. I haven’t dated anyone since I broke up with that guy. I’ve scraped my knee twice in the last 3 months. I wear a face full of makeup to work and wore a dress to a friend’s wedding a few weeks ago. My dad disowned me for several months. My mom is disinterested in basically everything I have to say.

But I’m me.

I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve better and I hope you’re in a good place where you can finally be yourself

About C.A. Jacobs

Just another crazy person, masquerading as a writer.
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