yotsashi:

I’ve seen so many humans are weird posts where humans are seen as the invincible warrior species, but one thing that I’ve yet to see mentioned is how ridiculously easy it is for humans to die in some cases. For that reason, I will list a few here.

Humans can die by …

• eating a larger meal after a long fast (refeeding syndrome)
• their own immune system overreacting to a peanut (allergies)
• accidentally inhaling a small amount of water that causes vocal chords to spasm and close up… hours after exiting the pool (dry drowning)
• Speaking of drowning, people can also drown in inches deep water if the water is cold and they fall face first
• consuming too much of certain nutrients (hypervitaminosis)
• food accidentally going down the wrong pipe (choking)
• (what is mentioned above can also happen with a human’s own vomit)
• blood getting into the wrong parts of the body, especially the brain (aneurysm)

Feel free to add to this list

morreganmistressofthorin:

Humans are weird.

Has anyone ever thought about how STRANGE it is that not only do we keep genetically modified apex predators in our homes and packbond with them, but make a point to irritate the SHIT out of them sometimes?

Example: My Karelian Bear Dog (a species ENGINEERED to intimidate and take down a predator four to ten times their size) HATES, absolutely HATES having her ears blown on. It drives her nuts. So what does my entire family do on a regular basis? We blow raspberries at her ( a strange phrase if ever there was) and blow in her ears. This dog snaps her teeth, and growls, and paws at us like shes going to scratch when she gets irritated, and normally that would be a pretty big “FUCK OFF, I’LL KILL YOU” signal, right?

After all, this is a predator that is meant to kill and maim things TEN TIMES HER SIZE. But no.

We get closer. We stick our faces RIGHT next to hers and play a game. I’ll get right up in her face and gasp, and hold my breath there. I’ll WAIT for her to get impatient and start snorting because “I know it’s coming, you dickbag, bring it on!” And then I’ll blow a giant raspberry at her nose.

She snaps her teeth, and playbites my hand, and whuffles and whines because “FUCK! I hate that, human-packmate!” She rubs her nose with her paws and I laugh. Because it’s cute as shit and funny.

Anyway, not only do humans packbond with dangerous things, we make a point to irritate them because it’s FUNNY.

alphatrekkie:

“DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO STUDY YOU PEOPLE!?!?! OURS BIOLOGISTS HASENT HAS SLEEP IN WEEKS TRYING TO STUDY THE ECOSYSTEM YOU KEEP CHANGING! one generation its on the verge of collapse, with clear intentions of killing it. then the next generation you are hell bent to repair it! dont get me started on how much of a headache it was that you kept reviving extinct species you killed! we look like total idiots having to go back and change reports to the empire! not to mention are engineer also wants a word with the person who keeps changing tech so that they have to start almost from scratch studying it! like you went from not knowing anything about space to ‘oh we know the composition of near by exoplanets, how they formed, and how the universe was created’ and ‘we should colonize and terraform this planet.’ WITH IN FOUR GENERATIONS! YOU EVEN LANDED ON YOUR *(&(*^(^*&^& (translation unknown…likely to be a swear worse then any word we have) MOON WITH IN TWO DECADES OF DISCOVERING THE TECH TO GO INTO SPACE! oh and our scientists studying human culture wants kill you all herself  because you keep changing culture almost on a daily bases!!! and not to mention you somehow DOUBLED YOUR LIFESPANDS SOME HOW. AND OUR GEOLOGIST IS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOUR PLANET DIDNT EVEN HAVE OXYGEN ORIGINALLY AND A FREAKEN CORAL MADE ALL OF IT, FROM WHICH OTHER LIFE FORMS ADAPTED TO THE OXYGEN! oh and dont even get me started on your ‘internet’!”

this would then launch a new golden age of human progressiveness and technological advancements greater then anyone has ever dreamed for one goal, and one goal only. to troll the aliens as much as humanly possible. 

it will be the galaxy’s greatest prank.

updatebug:

Can you even imagine being the poor alien sod responsible for auditing an earthling spaceship’s spending allowance? Like: 

“I see, and why do you require many tubes of white plant flavoured paste?” 

“Oh well, if we don’t rub that on our teeth twice daily the bacteria living in my mouth will begin to devour me teeth.” 

“…Noted.” 

“I have also noticed several large shipments of specific medications, and a variety of individually packaged absorbent material – however injury records do not show sufficient numbers to justify these recurrent deliveries.” 

“Ah, yeah, it’s not really an injury per say. As part of our natural reproductive cycle approximately half the population will shed the lining of one of their internal organs and expel it.”

“…that is the most horrifying thing that I have ever heard.”

“Yeah.”

“Does such a process not hurt?”

“That’l be what the medication’s for. Pain killers for the cramps, birth control to stop the process.” 

“…and your reasoning behind the fully functional, high-tech entertainment system?” 

“Okay, that we could probably do without. But in our defence that was actually insisted on as a standard feature of all fleet-ships expected to encounter Terrans. Admiral Plo’Kaght insisted on it. Something about bored humans and a an illegal betting ring featuring a cleaning robot with a knife strapped to it going up against a human with a mop?” 

“…I believe I should speak with my superiors.” 

anachronic-cobra:

Alien: You’re telling me that in times of great distress humans have been known to suddenly gain the strength necessary to lift objects more than a dozen times their own weight?!

Human: Yeah, it’s called “hysterical strength” and it usually happens in life-or-death situations, like when someone gets stuck under a car or something and someone lifts the car to get them out. We can’t really test it though, ‘cause it only happens spontaneously.

Alien: Humans have the ability to tap into untold strength and power and you don’t even know how you do it?

Human: Pretty much, yeah. We think it has something to do with temporary analgesia, so we just don’t feel the pain we should when we pick up a 3000-pound car.

Alien: YOUR PAIN RESPONSE JUST SHUTS OFF?

Human: Yeah, it’s like an adrenaline thing? Do you not have that?

Alien: Fuck you and your entire species of tiny juggernauts.

impalalord:

We abducted humans.

To be fair, we abducted members of every new race. Abduct a small percentage of the population, expose them to some galactic prisoners, and we get a good idea of what germs, diseases, and viruses will make the jump between races. Do this over the course of a [roughly equivalent to a century], and you get a good idea of what there is, how quickly it mutates, etc. You also have the time to develop vaccines for any races that might be affected by the new race (including itself- we’re not heartless).

But we underestimated humans.

It was [roughly equivalent to four decades] into our testing of humanity. We picked up a human from his transport and placed him in a containment cell. He had some nutrients with him, and we picked that up too: less we had to feed him later.

But we underestimated the resourcefulness of humans.

Something went wrong- we think it was a door malfunction- and he escaped the cell. He disabled the guards easily (we suspect they were less alert than they should have been) and took their weapons. We locked all hatches, hoping to seal him in the laboratory wing. Unfortunately, he hacked the shipboard computer, gaining control of all systems. He made his way to the bridge, where he took the captain hostage. We offered him riches, technologies beyond human understanding.

But we underestimated the stubbornness of humans.

He was paid us no mind as he wrestled with the controls, as if on some quest. He punched numbers and figures into the console, and mumbled something about ‘being lit on fire’ by a superior. He set the ship down on the other side of the city from where he was picked up and opened the doors. We braced ourselves for a military confrontation, but it seemed like we were outside another human’s abode. He jumped out, carrying the nutrients with him.

We underestimated Domino’s 30-minute or free guarantee.

humans-are-seriously-weird:

Human bodies are strange and sometimes terrifying. A handbook has been constructed that is basically a staple on all ships called “Your Human Is Doing Something Strange But Don’t Panic, It’s Normal”. Here are some excerpts: 

Occasionally a human’s joints will make loud noises akin to popping or cracking. Stay calm, this does not mean that the human has broken a bone. Gases will gather at the joints in a human’s body and when pressure is applied will pop loudly. While unnerving, it has little to no effect on the well-being of a human. 

After they wake and before they sleep humans have a habit of scrubbing the bones protruding from their mouths with a flavored paste. Although it is strange, this habit is very important and the proper supplies should be provided on all ships. If not cared for properly these bones may rot and fall from the skull of the humans and it is an entirely unpleasant experience for everyone involved. 

Humans will sometimes experience an irritation or “tickling” sensation in their nose causing them to suddenly expel a large amount of oxygen from their body. This is such a violent process that they must close their eyes to prevent them from popping out of their sockets. It may appear to be painful, but is helpful and many humans actually claim that it is enjoyable and makes them feel much better.

It is recommended that anyone coming into contact with a human familiarize themselves with the many quirks that come with them to avoid future panic.

somethingcuteandwitty.tumblr.com 

anachronic-cobra:

Alien: What are you doing?

Human, petting a cat: She’s sweet and sleepy, so I’m petting her.

Alien: But why is this other carnivore inside your home? Is it competing for territory?

Human: Lots of people have cats, they’re pets. But I mean, I’ve kind of accepted that she basically owns the place by now.

Alien: Does she serve any function for housekeeping? She seems too small the guard your home.

Human: Nah, she just naps all day mostly. She has been known to shred the furniture, though.

Alien: She provides no service and destroys your property and yet you allow her in your home anyway?! Why would y-

Cat: *starts purring and kneading paws*

Alien: *soft gasp*